So, at 41 years old you would think that going out on my own would be easy. Get Dressed, shoes, coat and all that type of thing and then just close the door as I leave. Well, I can tell you that for some of us, it’s just not as simple as that. But it should be exactly that, simple, after all I get up and go to work every single day, but this is different. As I get to the door, the paranoia sets in, the fear of being ridiculed, pointed at and maybe even laughed at, and for some people like me, even the fear of being attacked. Just so you all know, all of these things have only happened to me on a very few occasions, but that’s enough to set off fears.
Now I should point out that it’s not that I am an agoraphobic or suffer from any kind of medical condition nor do I have any kind of congenital birth defect or would be recognised as an international criminal at the top of Interpol’s most wanted list. I am just a regular person, like any of you who may have taken the time to read this, in fact, I served a full 22 year career in the military, and I am now the Operations Manager overseeing 2 independent engineering manufacturing businesses, supplying products worldwide. So, you may ask, just why would it be so difficult to just go out wherever I want, well, mainly because I belong to a group of people that make up what is more commonly known as the trans community, more specifically I am a T-Girl, Transvestite or Crossdresser would be the correct term, but since these and Tranny are frequently teamed up with other abusive terms, I would tend towards not using it to describe myself. It may surprise some of you but it is estimated that some 1 in 300 people fall under the trans umbrella, whether they are open or accepting of this, or identify themselves as either, or both, male or female is personal choice and many may never live how they want to. Anyway, I am in danger of digressing, so back to going out on my own. If you were just wanting to nip out and get your nails done for a night out, you would probably think no big deal, and off you would go to your favourite nail bar and have them done. Easy Eh !! Not for me. Firstly it’s not nice being stared at, pointed at, talked about loudly, and generally treated like a sub section of the community. This is something that guys and girls on all levels of the trans spectrum experience every day, and guess what, there are no proper laws to protect them, I mean, by the definitions of gender stereotyping, and how most of society conforms, I must only wear men’s clothes because that’s what my birth certificate says, except it doesn’t, what it says is that physically I am biologically male, it doesn’t say I can’t wear pretty clothes or makeup. Does it? I consider that I am lucky, I am not too tall or too well built, I can buy clothes and shoes in normal sizes from any high street store, so in effect I can dress in the same clothes as every other girl out there, and I do, and those friends and family that accept me as me, tell me I look ok, not really any different to any other girl out there. Up to now, I have only been out accompanied, safety in numbers and all that, but decided that enough was enough, and I am going to do this, I am taking my first steps out in the real world with real people around me and no protection from them. And that’s exactly what I did. I kid you not, I was absolutely terrified, but decided that there was no option. The reason was, I wanted to get my nails done, so they would be nice for a night out, and my wife said she wasn’t coming with me, oh yes, did I mention I am married, happily with 3 children. So, there I was, outside on my own, and all of a sudden my fears disappeared, it was like a weight lifted, so off I went, to the nail bar. Then I got there and it was really busy, and I mean every seat taken, and all the waiting seats in use as well. So after a sneaky cigarette, for calming my nerves, I held my head up and walked in. then it happened, the fear and panic was back, I thought it was quite quiet in there and one of the girls working, asked what I was in for today, and I had to speak, so I quietly just said “ I’m in for a file and polish please”, but it wasn’t as quiet in there as I had thought and she didn’t hear me, the next time I answered everyone heard me. Ooooops !! especially the young lad with his mum, who said something, to which his mum shushed him before he finished talking and I heard her tell him not to be so bloody rude, she’s here to get her nails done like the rest of us. I took a seat and sat both quiet and still, after a little bit I chilled out a bit more and when I stopped staring at the wall I realised that no one was actually staring at me, and I felt ok again. It was even nicer when a couple of other girls in there, smiled and said “hi” as they passed by me and made eye contact, it’s something I would do myself if I saw someone felt a bit uncomfortable where they were, a way of giving kind reassurance. Eventually it was me at the front of the queue, and I had my nails done, for the first time in 41 years of my life. It was a great experience, and I came away feeling great, and it has filled me with a bit more confidence. My next stop was a quick pop into a Tesco Express to get some water and a deodorant. Very busy again, and with the confidence my gorgeous new sparkly pink nails gave me, nothing would spoil my day after that. So it is with hope that I can continue to get out into the world, and with that same hope that the rest of the world, can just accept me, and allow me to co-exist, after all, I am just a perfectly normal boy/girl going about my own life.
11 Comments
Ava Hay
25/5/2016 07:58:30 pm
A good recount of the same experience that all of us cross dressers have to go through if we are serious about our addiction. I am and now I know that this young lady is as well. Instant sisters. The thrill never goes away.
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K
25/5/2016 11:15:29 pm
I'm not sure addiction is the right word. I think addiction implies something shameful or something you could, with enough willpower stop doing. I understand why you might call it an addiction because life would be simpler, if you could just stop but you can't. The reason you can't is not because it's an addiction but because it's part of who you are. It would be like asking someone to stop being gay, no?
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Amy
25/5/2016 08:09:57 pm
Beautifully written ❤️
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Sophie
26/5/2016 11:08:45 pm
Thankyou xx
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Hermoine
25/5/2016 10:27:15 pm
I wish I had the confidence to follow in your footsteps,sadly it is virtually impossible,many who know me know I do go out to Tg venues or friendly pubs,but I have to use darkness for me to kinda blend in,I dress to de-stress from my male side,when enfemme in more confident,softer,but sadly being 6ft8" in bare feet and wearing size 13 uk shoes,makes me stand out.congratulations on taking those first steps.
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You write so well. You're so brave to share your story and your wife is a special lady. It's such a sad world we live in that people are judged for their choices. My son is 8, and he loves to have his nails painted. Unfortunately not everyone thinks it's "right", even family have voiced their concerns about it. Thankfully it's not up to them, and I'm happy to let him decide. I'm so glad that you finally got to experience a manicure. I'm a mum and at 32 I haven't even been for one yet! Keep writing, as I know well that it's therapeutic and can help the anxiety to get it all out there (it's super scary at first isn't it...). I wish you the best of luck in the future and hope you can get outside however you want to look, more often. Jules.
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fiona
26/5/2016 09:10:34 am
Hi, the comments here cover it well, a good recount and beautifully written, please share more, xXx
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Hana
26/5/2016 03:12:06 pm
Beautifully written. I sincerely hope this is the beginning of a new chapter for you and your family where you feel more confident and accepted for your true self. Good on you, society is so quick to judge us for anything that isn't the "norm" and that's not fair xx
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Sophie
26/5/2016 11:15:14 pm
Thank you all so much for the lovely and considered comments you have left me. I had thought for a long while about writing this, and it means a lot to me that not only did you take time to read it, but also to leave comments. It's not easy being me, but all of your caring and supporting comments give me confidence and pride in who I am. Love and hugs to you all xxx
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Eleanor
27/5/2016 03:31:29 pm
You are mistaken, Sophie, when you say that there are no laws to protect you. The law is on your side when it come to idiots hurling transphobic comments at you. Simply note enough about the appearance of the perpetrators and report it to your local police as a transphobic incident. They have a duty to respond. I know the equalities officer for Dorset police, and I've been told that they respond to all abuse.
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Katrina
6/9/2016 01:27:37 pm
You write in a way that holds my attention and I know I'm going to enjoy future blogs. So much of what you write resonates with me and I admire the courage that you've shown in coming to terms with who you are. And your Missus sounds like an amazing person! Keep doing what you do...xx
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AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
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