Thats right, Never Look Back ……………
Well, this is another tough write, because right now I feel like I am in limbo. I have so much stuff going on and my head is constantly spinning and churning the same details round, over and over again. It’s all the additional things that I have to deal with alongside my normal day to day living. That’s hard enough on its own sometimes. 9 months ago there was a plan, one that I thought I could cope with and work with, well that went out the window, and after everything collapsed, and I eventually started to try and assemble some sort of new beginning, here I am now. I feel bad that its been 3-4 months since I last wrote a post, but I guess that at least this one should have something in it. This is really going to be more of a life update I think, what I’ve been doing when I haven’t been hiding away, not talking to people, just generally avoiding life. You see, that’s the thing, my life has some great highs, with some dramatic lows, but now it’s all without the same at home support that I had been used to. With more time available to me, I have been spending more time with the kids and also building and developing stronger friendships with those who have been so kind to make the time for me as well. So, I am getting there with my support network, and things are now looking a lot better, the highs outweigh the lows, and that can only be a good thing. So, what’s been happening, well, the self-fulfilling prophecy that female me is more popular than male me seems on the surface to be true. It’s not really because although most of my social life is now as female and with that circle of friends, even friends that know both sides of me seem to prefer going out with female me, more relaxed and less loud apparently. But the main circle of my male side of friends are all married, similar in age and have kids. Oh yeah, they also have wives and partners who don’t much like them going out with single mates …………. Some kind of trust issue there maybe ………… just wondering !! Ok, my last post was November time, so what’s happened since .……….. well, quite a lot actually. There was the 2019 Transgender Day of Remembrance, I attended a candle lit vigil in Southampton again, this one was much more low key than the previous one, but it was a nice way to remember the needless loss of trans lives globally over the last year, and it was nicely delivered as well. Something that makes me so glad I live here in the UK where we have proper laws to protect trans men and women in every aspect of life and enabling them to live what should be a normal life with the same rights as everyone else. Sadly too many trans people are still rejected by those they thought loved them unconditionally, too many are still made to feel inadequate, too many still suffer in silence and although the number of needless lives lost here was only recorded as 3, we all know the actual figure was much higher. But when compared to places in South America, we fade into insignificance. It’s a very sobering thought !! That said, I have not really been on the receiving end of any transphobic behaviour recently. There is the odd bit of misgendering, nothing malicious that I have been aware of, and I feel like wherever I have been I have been accepted and treated the same way everyone else is. I had a night away in London with an amazing night out at the O2 Arena in London, to see the Legendary Pete Tong and the Heritage Orchestra delivering an awesome collection of Ibiza Classics, with a front row position right against the security space in front of the main stage One of the nice things that night, was that really, it was a concert to appeal to those who remember the classic Ibiza party atmosphere, the hedonism, the desire to live life to the fullest that was reminiscent of the late 80’s through the 90’s so it wasn’t full of kids. It was great sharing stories with so many people who were similar in age and musical taste as well as singing till my voice was on the verge of dying and dancing till my feet were ready to fall off. I was really lucky to get to that as well, because it was a proper last minute thing, when another friend messaged me and basically said, what are you doing on Saturday, I have a spare ticket if you want to join me. I mean, come on, I couldn’t say no !!! Now, that was an exceptional night away, but back down in the real world, I have actively made more effort to support some of the local regular trans events that happen, quiet evenings chatting with other girls in the pub, supporting a local trans disco at the Christmas bash. I dug out my Miss Santa outfit for that one, and bonus, won best dressed Christmas outfit prize, a nice box of choccys. Then went on to win 1st prize in the raffle as well, a £100 voucher to have a full makeover. Which reminds me, I need to get on and book that in sometime soon, I mean what’s not to love about having someone else pamper you and do all your makeup for you. I didn’t book it straight away as it will be like an extra little treat when it happens then, and not straight after Christmas. There has been a couple of birthday nights out and the usual silly season Christmas events going on, but they are all just as they would be any other time. Christmas itself was ok, sadly I only got to spend a few hours with the kids on Christmas morning as they were all going to my ex mother in laws for Christmas day, that was always the plan, only I could no longer go with them. this caused me a lot of upset in the run up to Christmas, and on Christmas day, I went for a long walk after they opened their stockings from Santa, as I really struggled to keep it together knowing that nothing was ever going to be the same for them again, and that they would probably at best only see me every other Christmas now. Another sad side effect of marriage breakdown. Still, I had then from bedtime on Christmas day and for the 2 days after. Next year will be the other way round, I will have the kids for Christmas and they can go to their mum at bedtime for the following couple of days. In amongst all this I’ve had a radical clothing and shoes overhaul, long overdue, and experimented more with makeup styles and colours, all of which has given a boost to my self-confidence, I didn’t really shy away from going wherever I wanted, but often felt self-conscious particularly if I thought my makeup was not on the mark. I have also made some amazing new friends along the way, been shocked by how rapidly my social media profiles have grown in following and finally had my navel pierced, so I am now the proud owner of a gold bar with sparkly balls on each end of it, everyone who told me it wouldn’t hurt …… you all lied …… but its healing up nicely and buy the summer if I actually manage to loose a few Kg’s I may even dare to wear clothes that show it off, but that’s a big IF !!! don’t hold your breath. Then there was New Year. Not only a New Year but a New Decade and New start, what an amazing night out !! I dressed Moulin Rouge style, Corset, lace high front dipped hem skirt and fishnets with boots, I was the only one in the venue dressed that way, but the theme was Red Hot, and apparently I pulled it off so that was another mega boost for me. It was also nice to spend the evening with so many great friends. No drinks as I was on pain meds, and I drove there, but so much fun was had. So, 2020 is to be the first year where I decided no resolutions were to be made. Every year I set unachievable goals and every year I fail, unsurprisingly, and that does nothing for my self-worth, nothing for my stress and nothing for my anxiety. Every year till now I end up feeling like I’ve failed at so many things. So, this year I simply said, what is the point of doing this to myself, I already have so much on my plate and do not need to add any stresses to it. So far, I feel better than I have any other year I remember, I am taking on new things as they come along if, and only if, I want to. In line with that, the first ‘something new’ I have taken on is to become part of a new LGBTQ Group locally, I know some of the other L and G members who also follow other shared interest groups in social media and in life. It was mentioned to me that were are some other trans guys and girls that come along to meets who feel that there is nothing really for them, no trans support groups or social groups such and little in events that they are comfortable to go to. I have persuaded a few other trans girls I know to also attend, and let’s see if this can’t be the start of something that I can give back to others this year. If I can find what they would like to see and do, then just maybe I can set up something new that they can actively join in with, and hopefully enjoy doing so. Anyway, this post is turning into another essay, but I did want to add on that I’ve decided to just give up on all online dating/meet up apps for the time being. I have too much to deal/cope with in my life at the moment and so, shall just focus on my family, my kids and my friends for now. If someone comes along and I meet them in the old fashioned way then maybe I will give it more thought, but for now I’m just another single pringle. Ultimately, I need to keep moving forward, onward and upwards as they say. Never looking back as that’s no longer part of this journey. As time goes on, things are settling and my life is generally improving. It’s still a way off being great again, but I am determined that it will be. All that’s left is for me to say, thanks so much for taking the time to read this and I would be happy to receive any comments or feedback that you may have. There are lots more posts on here as well. Just check out the archives and, if you would like to follow me, that would make me very happy. Just click on the social media links below to add, follow and like my feeds and pages. Thanks again, love and hugs to all. Sophie xxxx Facebook www.facebook.com/beingsophie Twitter www.twitter.com/sophietgirl Bloglovin www.bloglovin.com/blogs/being-sophie-17676297 Instagram www.instagram.com/sophie.smallman
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AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
March 2022
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