The Start of Something New …….
Well here I am, right back to the start where I was over 10 years ago, only this time I am not just single, I’m a single parent of 2 and in fact it’s worse than that, I am a transgender single parent of 2, to be clear I have shared custody, so this is based on 50/50 time shared with my ex-wife. This is complicated further as I am out as gender-fluid and I live my double gendered life as I want to. This as I will explain shortly is a double-edged sword. Yes, it is great that I can be myself, I can present as I feel and move forward, but I now do this without the love support of the one person I entrusted my life and happiness to. So, what’s the problem you may ask, to a point I am lucky, I have family, I have a large circle of accepting friends and I have 2 beautiful kids who accept me exactly the way I am. Unfortunately, there is a big difference between the love of my children and accepting friends, and having an accepting partner. A partner is always there for you, by your side and sharing every life experience with you, and you sharing theirs. As those who read this blog regularly will know, I did have a partner and she was all those things, and she was an absolute pillar of support, people would tell me how lucky I was, how I had everything anyone like me could dream of. I would hear endless tales of woe, of rejection and non-acceptance, even of threats of exposure and stories filled with coercive control where the partner used the trans status of the other to be in total control of every aspect of their lives. This is wrong, and in many cases could be subject to a criminal prosecution if the trans person in the relationship flipped and reported it all. This is the thing, these behaviours are common place, more so for those who come out as trans women with existing wives and families, than the reverse. I am not saying that men accept their wife coming out as a trans man, if anything they are more likely to reject them, but they are more likely to just leave the relationship and move on. I never thought I would be out here in the world alone again, I thought I had a pillar of support for life. I should clarify at this point that me being trans did bring added stress to my marriage, but it was not the main reason for us parting. So, my relationship with my ex wife was not the bed of roses that some may have seen it as on social media, what we post for others is always the good bits and we omit to put up all the crap. For a long time things were great, but a good couple of years ago, things started to deteriorate, and as is not uncommon, the unwanted and unwelcome thoughts, ideas and opinions of other family members on both sides also have an impact, whilst my ex could just brush this off, I couldn’t, it always felt like a personal attack. All I heard was snide comments, digs, things said that I felt criticised the way we and our kids lived, and in particular, me …….. This is a side effect of anxiety, this is how it makes me think. Ultimately our fate was sealed a few years back, and things happened, (I don’t need to go into this) but was the beginning of the end. We carried on for a while, getting on each others nerves, generally being less and less willing to try and fix things. Now, I can’t live like that, and my already fragile mental health declined, I suffer from depression and my worsening anxiety which a cascading effect and ended up with me suffering with anxiety and panic attacks, if you’ve never had one, try and think what it would be like to have a heart attack, be unable to breathe in, and feel like the world is collapsing in on you, as you lay semi conscious unable to breathe or move. All of this was too much, and my negative behaviour patterns manifesting from all of this finished things off. I have undergone, counselling, behaviour therapies and ensure I take my meds daily, and although I am much more calm, rational and generally better, I have this under control, and most wouldn’t know I suffered any more, but it wasn’t enough for my ex wife to agree to give it another go. So this brings me to the here and now. Time has moved on, my ex has moved on. She is out there dating and meeting people and looking to make a future with a new partner, and here is me. I’ve got to a point where I must do the same. Start over again. Everything I’ve mentioned previously is what makes it so hard though. I am transgender. My mental health is always just one step away from collapse at any time and the stress and worry of how I can ever find someone who will accept me, for who I am, is always there. How do I even get back into the dating game ?? Now that’s a million dollar question !! I don’t honestly know the answer. Dating sites ?? ………… OMFG !! I have tried this, so let’s discuss the options and why I wrapped on this …….. I set up a male profile, get loads of attention right up until they discover I have two small children, remember I am 45 years old, that means I will be 60 when my youngest leaves home, if he leaves home in accordance with my hopes. That also means that potential dates in the same age group have either got kids that are grown up, got kids of a similar age, or don’t have and don’t want kids, whichever way, this is a fail !!! Then, if they don’t mind that I have kids, and I throw in the whole trans thing, its like I just sprayed them with a well known detergent …… BANG !!! and they are gone. I don’t even get onto stress anxiety and depression, so, that’s that, a male profile on a dating site is a definite FAIL !!! So, I also set up a female profile. That was even more of a disaster, well I say a disaster, but that’s all from my perspective. You see, if what I was looking for, was couples wanting a plaything with extras, or, and I use this term carefully, transvestites who dress for sexual kicks, just wanting filthy sex play, or guys with a perversion and trans fetish just wanting to send pics of their maggots to me in some way thinking I would be impressed …….. I wasn’t impressed, in fact, I wondered if many of them were targeting trans women simply because they think we’re all deviants looking for a dick to play with. I pointed out to most that I didn’t need theirs as I had my own, and to quote Shania Twain, “That don’timpress me much”. Other than that, I got the worlds supply of attention from lesbians who then just disappeared when I asked if they realised I was trans. So, they didn’t even bother to read the profile. On this profile, having kids and mental health problems didn’t even get a look in. So, for me, a female profile on a dating site is also a definite FAIL !!! Then finally, and I don’t know why I even bothered, was the profile on a trans dating site. Well, this was just a way for the site hosting to try and extort money in exchange for introductions, and being bombarded by hundreds of emails a day, spouting all sorts of, frankly, eye watering detail of what various men, women, and every other variation and perversion you can imagine, wanted to either do to me or have me do to them. This didn’t even last a week, and was the single biggest fail at trying to date that can be recorded in the history books. So where the actual fuck does this leave me? Well to be totally honest, right back at square one. I simply have a great group of friends with whom I can socialise with, but no one to share the before, after and one to one experiences with. I am certainly beginning to think that I am a lost cause. Maybe things will change in time, but at the moment, I shall just have to settle with being the Trans Best Friend. That’s the new version of a Gay Best Friend, because everyone already has one, at least this means I have lots of friends to go out with, and with a bit of luck, in the traditional and now old fashioned way, I will talk to people when I am out and just maybe, click with someone and go from there. I will not be simply swiping left or right in the hope someone swipes me the same way. Ok, I’m going to stop there for now as this is dangerously close to becoming the longest blog post I have ever written and if you got this far and you are still awake, then I salute you. Oh and there is one other thing I need to do, which has jumped up the priority ladder. I need to come out as trans to the final few people in my family who don’t yet know. This absolutely terrifies me, but needs to be done. So, until next time ……….. All that’s left is for me to say, thanks so much for taking the time to read this and I would be happy to receive any comments or feedback that you may have. There are lots more posts on here as well. Just check out the archives and, if you would like to follow me, that would make me very happy. Just click on the social media links below to add, follow and like my feeds and pages. Thanks again, love and hugs to all. Sophie xxxx Facebook www.facebook.com/beingsophie Twitter www.twitter.com/sophietgirl Bloglovin www.bloglovin.com/blogs/being-sophie-17676297 Instagram www.instagram.com/sophie.smallman
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AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
March 2022
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