In short, the answer to this is nothing, but in a longer and roundabout way, the issue is that it took me some 30 years of my life to realise this, and at times it’s still a struggle now. My wife is the most amazing person, she has supported and encouraged me to just be me and to try and accept who I am and be happy with that.
I guess I was about 5 or 6 years old when I first realised I wasn’t the same as the other boys, sure, I liked doing lots of the same stuff that they did Like climbing stuff, BMXing, building Dens, playing Ball, mostly, but then I liked so much more as well. I wanted a Barbie Doll, I wanted princess dresses, clip clop shoes and to do gymnastics and netball. As time went on, I came to realise that there must be something wrong with me, I didn’t know what, but I was damaged or wired up wrong in some way. When I was about 7 years old I got in trouble for putting on some tights and my mums shoes, I thought they looked pretty and they made me feel nice, my parents thought otherwise and I was told in no uncertain terms that if it happened again I would be in serious trouble. At about 9 years old I got sent to the Head Teachers’ office at school for a grilling, this was because I turned up for netball practice, I didn’t want to play football with the boys, I wanted to play netball with the girls, I had more friends on the netball team anyway than the football team. But that ended with an argument with a teacher that girls can do football so why can’t I do netball. It all seemed so unfair, the fact I was the only boy who wanted to do netball shouldn’t have mattered and I am pretty sure that today a school wouldn’t dare discriminate, especially in a non-contact sport. If my son wants to play netball and a school denies that opportunity I will surely hit the roof. Needless to say my argument for the equality and right to play a game was brushed aside, and I lost an additional playtime for arguing my case with the Head as well. It was also reiterated to me that I was a boy (I knew this funnily enough) and not a girl (But I am also one of those I thought) so I was not allowed to play Netball (So Unfair), followed by her saying, in a smart arsed manner, that next thing I would want to wear a skirt to school. Then she laughed at me, I declined to tell her that actually, it would be great to have the option, just as I wanted to be in the Cubs/Scouts and also Brownies/Guides, another thing that to this day, boys are still excluded from. But you see, I’m not sure if there are things that are exclusively for boys these days, but there are things that are girls only, and the test of time is showing that sometimes people still want to exclude girls like me. Please don’t think this is turning into an equality rant, it’s not, but it would have been so much easier in my life if I’d been born a girl, you see, I could do all the boys activities, and wear boys clothes and have just been labelled a Tom-Boy, now what is that label for a boy that does the opposite ……………. The list is substantial and not very polite I’m sure. Anyway, before I deviate from my thoughts too much, as a child being brought up through my teen years in the 80’s, you would have thought that if I’d wanted long hair or pierced ears, that would be perfectly ok, wrong again, that’s “just for poofs and popstars” apparently, hmmmm……… I’m not so sure myself, but there I was with no earrings and not much hair, as a crew cut was as long as it got. I mean, what did my parents think I wanted, bunches, plaids and a pony tail, duh !!!! the end result was that throughout my childhood and teen years everything was gender stereotypical, you’re a boy, you do this, you wear that, like this, don’t do that. All this achieved was that it made me more and more confused, because there was another part of me that wanted to be everything that society at the time deemed I couldn’t, and it made my life incredibly difficult, and continued to do so until my mid 30’s, by then this was more down to my own insecurities than anything else. You see since my early teens and onwards, I had a small stash of clothes and shoes and makeup hidden away with a series of really bad cheap wigs. But here’s the thing, whenever I had a chance and I could dress and be pretty, that would bring me calm and pleasure, it would allow me escape my issues and feel like me. At other times I have also felt so incredibly guilty that I am like this, and thrown the clothes, shoes makeup and such like away, whilst trying to supress that side of me, for those like me who are gender fluid, and somewhere between boy and girl and somewhat part both, this is defeatist, and the desire to express who you are on both sides will never ever go away, the harder you try and push it away the more it will affect you. There are so many things I know now, but back then of course all of this provided a whole range of conflicting thoughts and issues, should I have been born a girl and something went wrong? Am I gay? What’s wrong with me? After a string of girlfriends and failed relationships and a divorce, I told myself it must be me that’s the problem. Actually these dilemmas really messed me up, I had no one to talk to, or so I thought, no one that would understand me. That’s a hard place to be in life, feeling like you are never really yourself. Think about that for a moment, you can only be half of you, how would that make you feel? Then add into the mix that there is no one you feel you could trust enough to talk to and no one that would understand if you did, and then, if you did say anything, you feel like you would probably lose all your family and friends. What you convince yourself is, is that you are a freak, that you are in some way damaged, and that you probably don’t deserve to be happy. This is why suicide rates are so high across the range of the trans community. I should add that even when things have been at their worst for me, I have never fallen into that category. Now of course, I am writing this blog, I am a whole person, I am Sophie when I want to be, and actually I am a whole me. The impact of being brought up and educated by a generation of less sympathetic and understanding individuals is done, and the mistakes of generations past, will not be made for the next by me. If one of my kids askes about my lush collection of shoes, or silicone breast prosthetics, or whose clothes those ones are, then they are just daddy’s, whether they are trousers and shirts or pretty dresses and heels it doesn’t matter. I think that the more normalised these things are then the less they will be questioned. For now, I still have to pick my times for being Sophie, I am still not ready or confident enough to just not care what everyone might think. That’s a sad way to be, but maybe one day things will be different. I can Hope.
0 Comments
|
AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
March 2022
Categories
All
|