Trans Day of Visibility Open Question session …………
Last year, as something a bit different, I offered to answer open questions to followers on my Facebook Page www.facebook.com/beingsophie My aim being that with 31st March being TDoV I would open myself up to being asked anything that people wanted to know and publish it as a blog post. So here are those answers ……… Question 1. What does TDoV (Trans Day of Visibility) mean to me? Let start with what it is. It is a day that has been brought about as a sibling to TDoR (Trans Day of Remembrance). It is held on 31st March each year, and it aims to de-stigmatise and raise the profile of the fact that Trans people are just normal people. It is to Celebrate the successes and achievements of Trans and Gender-Non-Conforming people as well as to raise awareness that there is still some way to go to achieve equality for all, across the full trans spectrum. To me personally, it means raising awareness to and for others, showing that I am just a plain normal human, my gender status should have no bearing as to how I succeed in life, I am Russ and I am Sophie, but Russ and Sophie are the same physical being. For most of my life I kept this shut away, but in recent years I have been able to bring myself forward and celebrate who I am. I am lucky that I have support and acceptance from friends and some relatives, but this is a day when I can remind others that I can also support them. The world has a long way to go to and only by people understanding and accepting, will things permanently change for the better. Question 2. What is the best way to explain trans to children/raising accepting children? Wow…..this is a tough one to answer…..for me I believe that children understand simple honest truths best of all. To explain in a way they can understand can make everything so much simpler and having and open and accepting family environment from the start will also help. Kids are not born as judgmental or critical individuals, these are generally traits that they learn from those around them, they also learn binary standards and what is the expected norm in the same way. If you want your kids to grow up as accepting of all types of people then its best to start straight away, remove social binary restrictions and rules. Allow play to explore gender variation, don’t force pink and blue games, play, clothing, jobs etc, be matter of fact when they ask questions and never be embarrassed. Always model good behaviour and stand for equality for all in the same way that we all did for women and for the LGB community. Explain that when we are born we are accepted as being male or female, but as we grow some of us feel that we are not the same as we are allocated, trans is not an illness or a mental health disorder and only an individual can know exactly who they are, trans is a full spectrum of people who are not fitting fully into an expected binary. Question 3. What is the best way to deal with offensive, ignorant comments from people who don’t know they are being rude? Nice Question !!! I have been here and had to deal with this and with hindsight I did it all wrong at the time. The difficulty here is when someone is not intentionally being rude or offensive, but something they have done, is exactly that. I was in a branch of Claire’s Accessories buying some earrings and as presenting female at the time I was somewhat taken aback when referred to as Sir by the shop assistant. It was close to Christmas, it was busy and quite noisy in the shop, and she said it loudly enough that everyone else queuing at the 3 tills was very aware. What I did was got really embarrassed, paid quickly took my stuff and left as fast as possible. I allowed this small incident, that had happened to make me feel ashamed about who I am, and allowed myself to become upset by it. What I should have done was stopped and said something there and then, maintained my pride and turned the whole situation on its head. I could have simply responded by asking to speak to the manager and staff member to one side. I could have said, “Whilst I may not be fooling anyone, and evidently to you, I appear to be a man dressed as a woman. This is irrelevant, I am transgender and expect to be spoken to as the gender I present, as is my right”. In any case like this I think that the best thing to do is make a formal complaint, verbally or in writing and highlight to the staff exactly what in most cases their D and I training will have already told them. Its an all to common occurrence, but something that companies take very seriously, especially those with a public serving front, such as retail and hospitality. Question 4. What is the worst/best thing about being trans? Lets go with the worst thing first, for me and probably many others it’s the knowing who we are, but spending so long shutting that away through fear of rejection or concern of what will happen to us if people find out. I suffer from Stress, Anxiety and Depression, and this has throughout my life been a contributing factor. The thing is I spent my whole life knowing exactly who I was, but never sharing it, and although I am more open with many people and I am much more out there, there are still some close family who I fear to share this with. I occasionally worry about my job and what would happen there, I see the problem for me in being non-binary and my identifying as both male and female, whilst there have been advancements in acceptance and support for those who desire to fully transition, that’s not the same for people like me. Then what’s the best thing? For me this is simple, I am now more open and I am proud of who I am, although this was a hard journey to get here (There are lots of details in other blog posts). I have met so many lovely people on my journey, and in different ways they have helped me find my voice and to accept who I am. This has given me the will to stand up and shout for others. If I can open someone’s mind, if I can help someone else to accept and be proud of who they are, then I can be that completely accepting person that someone else needs because I know what they are going through. This is the best thing …… I have learned so much about tolerance, understanding and acceptance, without these things our societies will fall apart …… with them we can achieve anything !!! Question from 5. I don't pass, what toilets should I use? This is not a question I can answer for you. But for me, I would only ever use a toilet that matches how I am presenting, so if I was presenting male I would use a male toilet and if I am presenting female I would use the female toilet. For me I consider this to be the safest option, there has been much debate recently about what toilets transwomen and men should use, but I don’t see it as up for debate. There have been many news articles and discussions in social media claiming attacks on safe spaces and all sorts of other things. That safe space is also your safe space, you would be more at risk from assault presenting as female in a male toilet than not. Recently there was an article posted where a transman, well built, muscly, bushy beard etc etc, photographed himself in a female toilet with other women, it was staged and to make an example that if trans women should be in male toilets then he should be in a female toilet. I think he made his point. I have never had any issue in using female toilets, even in busy pubs and clubs. If all else fails and you don’t feel comfortable, then use the disabled/baby change toilet. Question 6. Where do terms/labels transvestite and cross dressing fit in (or not)? This is regularly debated and the terms are generally deemed interchangeable. The term crossdresser is preferred by some who see themselves under this label because they see the term transvestite as being looked at as being something a bit deviant. This is not the case as its just a word that literally means cross dress. That said, they are trans terms and as far as I am aware are covered under the whole transgender spectrum umbrella. Some people use them as open terms where they don’t identify themselves as gender variant/non-binary/transgender, but that they simply enjoy dressing and wearing clothing that society defines as female when they only identify as male. From my perspective I think that these terms/labels are seen as a bit unfashionable or non-PC these days. Obviously, some may disagree, but that how I see it. With so many better-defined categories around and as understanding grows these just don’t fit in the same any more. Question 7. Do you think Non-binary/genderfluid will be more accepted before/after or in tandem with trans? And...what's better; cherry or blueberry? I will do the easy bit first ……. Blueberry !!!! Ok, I don’t think that non-binary/gender fluid individuals will ever be more accepted than any other trans individual. I’ll make assume here and hope I am correct, in that where you make the differentiation with trans, you are referring to MtF’s and FtM’s that are fully transitioning, as in physically. In my opinion, I think that there is, in general, more understanding and acceptance towards those who fully transition and I think this is because they are seen to still fit into a binary role position in society, to a point. However I also feel that the case for equality in tandem for non-binary/gender fluid trans persons is often hampered from within the trans community, with some elements taking a TERF attitude towards those who either identify within the non-binary/gender fluid category or who only socially transition and do not feel the need to have a physical operation. So simply put, I don’t yet see that those of us who are neither full time or transitioning will ever likely be accepted equally to those who desire to transition, I think we will always drag behind and sadly not fully accepted by those who can’t see past the ends of their noses. If the whole of the trans community can’t pull together and see ourselves as one, then what hope is there for complete delivery of the equality and inclusion ideals that we all strive to have. Question 8. When deciding to tell everyone you are trans how did you explain it to your family and how did they take it? The simple answer to this one is that there are some people I haven’t told, some that I have, some that have been told and some that discovered it for themselves. The members of my family who I haven’t told may know, they may not, but I don’t believe they know or that they will be accepting so its best to keep the peace and it’s not something that’s spoken about with them. Since there are 2 sides to who I am, they just get to see 1 of them, no big deal really. As for the rest, I told some, my wife told some, and others were told behind my back as gossip. But there have been a few questions and the odd joke but never any issue made and I have been accepted as who I am. I have written much more on this in a specific blog post https://beingsophie.weebly.com/blog/coming-out-as-trans As a blogger and with public profiles on Twitter, 2 Facebook profiles and a Facebook page for my Blog, a public profile on Bloglovin and my Blog site where I publish, I am certainly not hidden and I’m really now of the opinion that I am just me, and if someone finds out and asks then I will talk about it at the time, all the people I would care to tell about this and share with are aware and many, many more beyond. Thanks to all who asked the questions in this blog post and all that’s left is for me to say thanks so much for reading, I really hoped that you enjoyed this post as it was a little different to my usual stuff, and please check out my other blogs in the archives and if you would like to ask me a question, pop on over to one of my pages and ask …….. Love and hugs Sophie xx If you would like to see more and follow me I can be found and followed at the sites below: Facebook www.facebook.com/beingsophie Twitter www.twitter.com/sophietgirl Bloglovin www.bloglovin.com/blogs/being-sophie-17676297
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