What happened next…….. 6 or so months ago, the bottom fell out of my world, I won’t go into detail in this post as I have already written about it in other ones. In short, my fragile marriage finally broke, I had stood firm in my belief that everything would come back together in time and all would be ok. My ex ?? well she had already cleared this in her head and come to accept that at least for her, it would never be fixed, it would not be ok, and things had to change and our lives needed to move on to new adventures. I have not dealt with this as easily or as effectively as she has, I blamed her for the breakup, when, the reality was that we were already broken, she was just the one who took control of this and ended it. We have a complex domestic situation, neither of us is in the position to move out of our home and neither of us can afford to at this time. So, at least for the time being we will have to cohabit until we are able to move on from this. Regular readers will also be aware of my mental health state, if you are new to this blog, I suffer from severe anxiety, PTSD and other personal struggles with my gender identity. Again, feel free to track back through older posts if you want to learn more. That said, all of this has made my coping and dealing with where my life is, much harder. So what have I done?? I have attended a few group courses, to deal with Stress, Anxiety and Depression. I have used Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and 1 to 1 counselling to help cope, and I’ve learned so much more about myself, trigger signs and coping strategies along the way. I have spoken to my GP about all of this and my gender identity and had increased doses to my meds made, this has helped in assisting me in having a clearer head and rationalising things myself. My PTSD is historic, it stems from military front-line action and is not something I will discuss in this blog. When I struggle I talk to understanding friends, sometimes ones I’ve talked to before and occasionally, recently a few that I haven’t, they have become very good and close friends and I feel its something that helps them understand a little about my past aside to the obvious things. I’ve discovered though this, which friends really care, and which ones talk the talk, so to speak, but have not actually made themselves available to me. The whole experience has opened my eyes to the people who I thought mattered and those I come to learn really do matter, as in, are there for me as well. I took my kids to Pride this year, and what a fab amazing day we all had, they really enjoyed the whole experience, they loved all the entertainment, the loved meeting the completely diverse mix of friends that I have and showed love and acceptance to everyone they met. This has shown me just how children that are brought up to have open mind and accept everyone around them as simply people, are so much different to those who come from homes where they are exposed to bigotry and prejudice. They walked on the parade with me, and were proud to help carry the trans flag right at the front alongside myself and a couple of other trans friends, proud to be there with me and be a part of helping to try and improve the future for so many others. I seem to have lost friends who just don’t bother contacting me or talking any more, but I have made many more close friendships and many new ones as well. All new friends are aware of my gender fluidity, many have met me as female, some have not met me as male, but all know the truth and all are accepting of me. This is something I always needed and should have done sooner, not having a circle of friends to fall back on, was a major fuck up on my part, and without doubt put added strain on my marriage, as I never built that resilience to call on others when I needed support. I have worked on coming out completely, I still need to talk to my brother, and I have decided, since I do not need to present female at work ever, and have no plans to undergo any medical interventions or start a transition, that work don’t need to know. If at some time someone sees me and says something, I shall simply address that at the time. I am now out to all my friends that matter, and they have all supported and stood by me so far, some have even suggested that they would like to join in on a night out sometime, that’s joining the night out, not joining in presenting as a gender other than that which they were assigned at birth. Just thought I should make that clear. My parents have been made fully aware, I have written a whole post about this, it was so hard to do and such a difficult and emotional conversation to have. About 7 weeks ago, I applied to do a boudoir photo shoot, obviously this is something that many women do as a way of capturing a side of them they may have felt they lost through all the trials that life threw at them, there may have been a big change or a break up, and I would really recommend this, you need deep pockets to fund the end results, but OMG !!! it was the most exciting/frightening, liberating, empowering and fun experience I have had in such a long time, and once I am in a position to pay for the final images, they will be something I can always look back at and assure myself, that no matter what life throws at me, ‘I Am Enough’ and ‘I’ve Got This’ 2 phrases, I have come to believe are so important for us to always tell ourselves when things feel bad. I have attended various events, that in the past I would have been at with my wife, on my own, including nights out, birthdays (including my own) even a Ball, I am lucky that in most instances I had other friends going, and on some occasions they didn’t take their partners so I have never felt like a lemon, on my own in the all couples environment. My own self confidence has leaped forwards and I fear little these days about being out and about as a trans woman. I am certain that the more confident I am, the less I get noticed, and the less likely I am to become a victim of hate, ignorance or prejudice. This doesn’t account for the not insignificant number of twats out there, but they cause a problem for any women they encounter, not just those of us who are trans. But all of this is simply a set of steps I needed to take to make the essential changes in my life. Finally, 6 months on, I am now starting to see a brighter path out of all this, the difficulties of my domestic situation are easing as time goes on, its not ideal, but it has to work, aside that we are no longer a couple, we are still parents to our children and within the home on a domestic level we must still be a team. We still work together to ensure harmony is maintained, yes, this is hard sometimes and easier at other times, but ….. Do you know what ?? Everything in life is like that. I am currently in a better place than I have been for a long time, and although this may not have been the path I would have chosen, I have to say that on the whole, in most aspects of life I am a happier person. Ultimately, I need to keep moving forward, onward and upwards as they say. With time, the hurt starts to dissipate, as the weeks pass by, my routines are settling and life is improving. It’s a way off being great again, but I am determined that it will be. All that’s left is for me to say, thanks so much for taking the time to read this and I would be happy to receive any comments or feedback that you may have. There are lots more posts on here as well. Just check out the archives and, if you would like to follow me, that would make me very happy. Just click on the social media links below to add, follow and like my feeds and pages. Thanks again, love and hugs to all. Sophie xxxx Facebook www.facebook.com/beingsophie Twitter www.twitter.com/sophietgirl Bloglovin www.bloglovin.com/blogs/being-sophie-17676297 Instagram www.instagram.com/sophie.smallman
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AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
March 2022
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