Why did I decide to write a blog ? To be honest, and I will always be honest in what I write, I didn’t. Now that statement by rights, should put an end to this post, but what I really mean is that I didn’t get up one day and think, I know, today I shall start writing a blog. What and how it came to happen was not through any divine intervention, aliens didn’t visit me and tell me in secret code nor did I have any sort of near death experience that in a blinding flash of reality drove me to start putting finger to keyboard. No, nothing huge, just my wife suggesting to me, that for an outlet that may help me to deal with many of my problems and issues, had I thought about writing about them. In fact, writing about anything I could think of. By the way, ‘Finger to Keyboard’ is now a 21st century term, a bit like ‘putting pen to paper’ would have been to Charles Dickens, who was, incidentally, a Social Critic as well as a writer so would probably be all over Facebook and Twitter and probably have his own .com as well to publish his thoughts ideas and comments on. So, here we are, this is now post number 7, and I’m not that sure how the writing is doing. Firstly, I am definitely no Charles Dickens and secondly as there are only 16 comments across, the 6 posts that are on here, and most of them are from people I actually know in the flesh, with a few from people who have just read them, I feel I am probably doing ok but I guess my own insecurities will always mean I am unsure. So what were these reasons for writing? Really, there are not many, and a lot of you may not get why this is good for me to do, but I need an outlet for many things, and I am giving this a go to see how it works. You see, I’m a little bit different to some, if not most of you, I mean I am a T-Girl. If the term is alien to you then Google it, or read my other posts and all will become very quickly apparent. This is not a small deal, as anyone who is gender fluid will tell you. I mean, I have a body that by nature is male, and this is in contradiction, some of the time, to who my brain thinks I am. But I am actually quite happy with who I am, it’s just some others that don’t understand or more to the point don’t just accept. You don’t need to understand, I don’t understand, and it’s me I am talking about. When I am a guy, I am a normal straight male, I have a wife who I love more than anything and 3 amazing children. When I am a girl, I am essentially lesbian, and I still have my amazing understanding wife and 3 beautiful children. So, lets be clear, this is a Gender identity thing and not a sexuality thing, and I am not confused about who I am, I just fall over both sides of the gender divide and flow between one and the other. Sometimes this can be a blessing and sometimes a curse. Depending on where my mind is at any given time, I may think more like a girl or I may think more like a boy, believe me when I say there are times when it’s really just best to shut up and not air those thoughts. The world is not always ready for a guy getting excited because the latest copy of Marie Clare has the new Benefit Brow Product free inside. That said, there are advantages to thinking on both sides of the fence, I know about makeup, I can appreciate nice clothes and shoes and love having 2 wardrobes. Although thanks to the choices available in high street shops, my girl wardrobe is great, but my boy wardrobe is as expected, the usual dull array of clothing and a few pairs of black and brown shoes. As a boy, I am typically more reserved and a bit stuffy, Rough and tough attitude to things, great at DIY, gardening and making a mess. When I am a girl, everything about who I am and how I behave changes, there is no effort here it just does, I hate to say it but I am a bit ditzy, and dare I say it, a bit annoying probably, just give me a vodka and diet coke and some 80’s/90’s music and lets have some fun. Now, the problem with this is, I am not completely out about who I am, I wish it was that easy, but I have family and children to consider, and whilst I would love to just be me, and be able to dress how I want, when I want, on any day I want, this would be too impacting on others, so instead for the first 34 years of my life I just didn’t exist as me. I existed as just as half of me, thinking I was broken, damaged or defective. Locking half of me away and not talking about any of my thoughts or feelings or emotions. Now you start to get an idea of just why I, like so many other Trans Guys and Girls find it so difficult to just be ourselves, and why so many of us suffer with mental health problems. So, back to the point, this blog is one way for me to have an outlet, a way to express some stuff to others and rationalise my thoughts and feelings. Next, I have quite a lot to say and no real audience for which to impart my thoughts on, so a blog is a great way to do this, either people will read this or they won’t. I hope you do, and I hope you enjoy what I write, I hope that it opens thoughts and ideas, I hope I do my bit for the ‘T’ on the end of LGBT. After these you can add into the equation that I suffer from Stress. Also known as Depression and Anxiety, they are such good friends with each other that they tag team to screw me right over. This has really hit me in the last couple of years and recently manifested itself in a panic attack. If you have ever suffered with, or continue to suffer with these then you know how bad they can be, and you have my fullest understanding and support. I genuinely believed that my time was up, no joking, I couldn’t breathe in or out, I had chest pains like I couldn’t describe, my skin was going from hot to cold and back again with sweat pouring off me, and my heart felt like it was going to explode, I collapsed on the floor and my wife found me there unable to move, and made the required emergency call. I think but not certain that the paramedic arrived and had me set up on his machine for monitoring within about 10 minutes of her calling for help. I now know that my life was not about to end, but I can tell you that the panic was real. Now you could ask why this is relevant to writing a blog, well, everything that I have bottled up and never dealt with throughout my life is why I am now suffering like this. So I decided that unless there was a better way that I could think of in the future, this platform could also be a really good way to just talk (Write to be exact, but you know what I mean) So there you are, the few small reasons that I have for wanting to write a blog, and I guess that time will tell, if anyone wants to read about my tiny and really insignificant existence on this planet, or not !!!! I really hope you enjoyed reading my post, and would love it if you could leave some comments.
3 Comments
|
AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
March 2022
Categories
All
|