So, as the title is pretty self-explanatory, it would suggest that this blog post is about telling the whole world I am different. But, it’s not, that’s not the point of it at all, and it's not really what it’s designed to do. Although I am pretty sure that some people who know me will read this, people that didn’t know me well enough to know about this really, really small and almost insignificant detail. I mean, it’s never changed who I am, or not as far as anyone who doesn’t know is concerned, I guess for those who do know, it has probably changed something, but I don’t know what and the fact that I don’t think anyone has been off about it, or rude, or probed for detail that’s not been offered, I take as a positive thing. I can be found on Facebook, if you know where to look, in fact I have 2 entries on there, 2 personal accounts, 1 for the boy side of me and 1 for the girl side of me oh, and there is also a ‘Being Sophie’ Page as well, that people can follow me on if they so desire. I can also be found on Twitter, and have my website with my Blog on it, which you have found, as you are reading this. This is all digressing from the subject of this post you may say, but it’s not, it’s a way of coming out of a sort, you see, lots of people will see these pages that are in the public domain, and I have no control over it, what I do is post the info about me, like this blog, and lots of people read it. So I am a known quantity, and by definition ‘Out’ and not hiding and keeping it all a big secret. There are lots more angles to this though, not just the use of social media as a method of telling the whole world who I am, although, to many people on these sites, they actually only know this part of me, the T-Girl part, the numbers of people who have full contact with both sides of me is much smaller in numbers, and ironically mainly made up of genetic female friends. Now, when the time comes, ‘Who do I tell?’ and ‘How do I tell them?’ this is the really hard bit, because I had felt ashamed of myself. Wrong and damaged in some way, and kept this hidden for my whole life (first 34 or so years of it) it was one of those things that just got harder and more unlikely as the years ticked by. What I do know is that I had friends I could have shared this with decades ago, and I didn’t, and when you do tell people that have known you that long, you have to also be prepared that they may feel like you didn’t trust them or didn’t think they cared enough and that they weren’t there for you. The people that now know all about me fall into distinct categories, people I told, people that were told with my knowledge, people who found out, people who first met me as a girl, and then there is those that find me in social media and think she seems ok, I will follow or friend her. So who did I tell, well for me, the first person was my wife, and unlike in past relationships, she was told when we started dating, I dropped a few hints and she made a few comments and for the first time ever, my ‘Dirty Secret’ was out, and it wasn’t a dirty secret any more, and she still liked me just the same, and has over the years helped me to be me, properly, presenting as male or female when and as it suits me, apart from under my own self imposed restrictions. Not unsurprisingly, she discussed this with a close family member in confidence, only they thought that there would be a good bit of shit stirring to be obtained from this snippet of detail. Luckily they were wrong, and when they thought they were clever telling other members of my wife’s family, not a single one of them let on that they knew until such a time came that my wife and I openly shared some detail with them, then they kind of just said, yeah we already knew, but it doesn’t change anything. Then there are a few other people that I told straight out, they know who they are and have been morally very supportive and are friends just the same as they always were, but one of my oldest friends was also one of the hardest to tell, this was done long distance over the phone, and when I say long distance, I was working on a project in Lagos, Nigeria and she was back home in the UK, it took me about 20 minutes of skirting the subject that I had supposedly fully prepared myself to just tell her, and I nearly didn’t. I am glad I did though, because alongside my wife she has been soundly supportive to me, and is not in the slightest bit bothered how I present to her when I see her or if we go out. Her response to me was that it made sense of a lot of things from when we were much younger and maybe should have been obvious. Next you get those who discovered for themselves, or found out by accident, there are only a few of these and luckily they are also very accepting and when I did find out they knew, it seems they had known for a while, one family friend of ours in particular who knows, but still hasn’t ever met Sophie, unfortunately she now lives on the other side of the world, I am really hoping that her and her family come home sometime soon, even if just for a visit, because we never quite got round to a big night out before she left. Just a random statement in the middle of this, but, I have massive admiration for those who I’ve trusted to know the details of what was such a big issue for me. Because on the whole they have held that trust and not just thought about what a great bit of gossip they found themselves. This is important because there are some, close to me, who my wife and I are confident would not be accepting, so it’s best not fully shared. There is obviously a question to be asked, that if that is so, then why put so much detail in the public domain, well, my blog posts, are my thoughts ideas and feelings alongside my life, and in my suffering from anxiety and depression, this writing really helps, so, if the wrong person reads all this and does the very simple sum, I hope that by the time they finish and ask me, they are fully understanding. So with the exception of social media followers and online friends, of which I am gradually increasing the numbers that I know in person and not just online, this leaves the biggest group of people that know, is made up of pretty much everyone my wife knows. Over the years she has told a few people here and a few people there, and truly, this is ok, as she said, if anyone has a problem with this then they are not the friend she thought they were. Then a few weeks ago, when I posted my first blog, she went live online to another select group, Now I don’t really know what most of them think about this odd revelation that they now know about, but a couple have left positive feedback on my blog and some other follow me on Facebook, the rest of their communication is through the Secret Mummy groups online, and I’m not allowed to see what is on there. But I can only assume that they must all be ok about it, which is great news, because she doesn’t seem to have lost any friends yet. What remains then is my kids, they are aged 12, 4 and 1. Now for them I have taken a completely different tack on this and instead of telling them, they just get drip fed stuff as acceptable. If they pick up a pair of my heels, they are just told they are daddy’s the same goes for clothing, jewellery, makeup and any other additional items that I may own, the eldest knows she has borrowed clothes that are mine, and I help her sometimes with applying and learning how to use makeup. The aim is that one day, they will work it out for themselves, and realise it has never had any impact on them, time will tell if this works but I am hoping that it does. If not then at some stage I guess it will be a sit down and do it the old fashioned way. At the end of the day I am now out there and there is no going back from that. But, being out there comes sometimes comes with benefits and sometimes doesn't, for me, its been ok, acceptance has been good, and ultimately this brings happiness into my life, because I can just be me. Please take the time to look up my pages and if you like, follow me on: Facebook www.facebook.com/beingsophie Twitter www.twitter.com/@sophietgirl
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AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
March 2022
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