So, what you may ask, can be so terrifying?
A night out? My best friends 40th Birthday? Going somewhere you have been before? Meeting new people? None of these things should worry anybody. I am not a particularly shy person, I am certainly not anthropophobic, I have no problem meeting new people daily, and on this occasion, I already knew four of the people that were going out. The venue for the birthday, well, this was somewhere I have been so many times I can’t remember the total. So, what could possibly be a problem? Well, this night out, was my best friends 40th, so no problem there, we have known each other since our early teens and will be best friends forever I am sure. It was a Girls night out, also no problem these are not a new phenomenon to me and since more of my friends are girls than guys I have been out for any number of ‘Girl’s nights out’, no excuse needed for this girl to get dressed up and hit the town. The whole event took place in a venue, Gunwharf Quays in Portsmouth, that was both well-known and familiar to me, and although there would be a few people I didn’t know in the group, there was four other people there including the party girl who I have known for ages, about 28 years to be exact. But, and there is always a but, and on this night, it was no exception, I was scared stupid for several reasons, which will make sense to some but sound daft to others. Apart from my friend whose birthday it was, no one else there had ever met me as a girl, only as a guy. These days I rarely get stared at or commented on as I have grown up and evolved my look to blend in, but this is not always enough to allay my inner fears, and certainly not when the dress code is Dressy Dresses and Hot Heels !! The other attendees at this ‘Birthday Bash’ were my friends mum, her sister, her niece, and another friend from all those years back, who have all only ever known me as a guy, along with a selection of her friends from her current social group, most of whom had already met each other before, and none of whom had ever met me, either as a guy or a girl. Add to this that I have never managed to have night out at Gunwharf Quays without bumping into any number of people I know, who don’t know I am a T-girl, and some of whom I have no desire to share this small detail with either. I guess now that this starts to show why I had a big fear to overcome, you see, I have always feared been singled out, after all, I am just a person, it just happens that I dress and present in a way that doesn’t conform to the norm of society. Whilst this puts me in a minority group, it doesn’t change who I am, just how I am sometimes perceived. I am also fully conscious that when it comes to worrying myself, I can analyse every detail of what could happen and come up with the worst possible outcome all on my own. This all contributes to my long-term suffering from stress and anxiety and to a degree depression. Trust me, I can come up with any way to make any disaster an option before I even get somewhere and I can then get really worked up about this and it just has the potential to spoil my night and maybe others as well. So how did the night go and how did I cope. This was an early start as well, with me needing to be at my friend’s sister’s house by 6pm, because firstly we were sharing a cab, and secondly, she agreed to do my hair. This was my first fear, she had known me for as long as my friend and I knew she would have no issue, but how would her 19-year-old daughter feel about meeting me? Or her partner who would also be at home. Did I need to worry, not a bit, they were great, we had some Prosecco, finished getting ready and then the cab turned up and off we headed. Oh yeah, and I just had my hair straightened, I don’t think it has ever looked so good, a real confidence booster for me. My next fear was the big one for me to get over. Being out in a place where I most feared being seen by people I wasn’t ready to share this part of my life with. Two things I kept in my mind to help me were, firstly what my wife said to me before the evening even started. Which was, if anyone I know recognised me, I should just play it down, speak to them the same way I always had done and just say I thought everyone knew, then deal with any fallout later. The other was what my friend had said, which was anyone has a problem with you then they have a problem with all of us, not quite sure how she worked that one out in advance but I got the idea. We were just a group of girls out celebrating a birthday together and that I didn’t need to worry, and I would just be one of the group. So how did this pan out, well we got there a little bit ahead of most of the others and it meant that I was introduced as people arrived. Only one person opted for the hand shake which I think is a little bit of an odd girl to girl greeting, but then not everyone has prior experience of the meeting with members of the trans community and not everyone sees trans girls as ‘proper’ girls. That aside I had nothing but complimentary comments and couldn’t have been more reassured of being in great company, everyone just accepted me as me. I saw a few old work colleagues out that night and not one of them recognised me, or if they did, they didn’t react in any way, that showed it. This meant I had a choice to go and speak to them or not, on this night I chose not. I met a girl who friended me on social media, she introduced herself and we had a chat, although I had had a few cocktails as well by then and my recollection is a bit fuzzy. I do know that every member of staff in each venue, used correct gender pronouns, which is great, because when they get it wrong, it draws the attention of everyone in your vicinity, and that’s not good, just embarrassing. But best of all was just being treated in the same way, and spoken to, like every other girl in the group. In reality, I had nothing to fear about going out that night at all, and the incredible acceptance of everyone I met, the way they all interacted with me, and how we were all able to share the night out together to celebrate was truly amazing. All my self-induced fear, anxiety, worry and panic that I caused myself in the run up to going out, was totally unnecessary. The result has been that I now have a renewed confidence in myself to be more open and to just be me. However I choose to present, at any given time, whether male or female is of no relevance or consequence to anyone else. The reality may still be that I am still not ready to tell every person I know, and because I am floating, as I really have done my whole life between the male and female genders, I don’t have to. Some will only know the male me, some the female me, and some both. What I do know is that all the new friends I make as I move forward will gradually replace some of those older friends whose attitudes and ideals do not fit in with the life I live, and my view on the world in general, and the less I must hide who I am through fear of being mistreated, abused or ridiculed, the less stressed and anxious I feel. This must be a good thing for my health and wellbeing and for the relationships I have with family and friends because I guess a more chilled out and accepting me is better all-round as well. Finally, thank you for reading and I really hope you enjoy this and other posts on here. Feel free to leave comments, and if you want, add and follow me on: Facebook www.facebook.com/beingsophie Twitter www.twitter.com/sophietgirl Bloglovin www.bloglovin.com/blogs/being-sophie-17676297
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AuthorHi, I'm Sophie. I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Please leave some comments on what you think of my blog x Archives
March 2022
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